People spend six and sometimes seven figures on weddings, bar mitzvahs, Sweet 16s. Heck, I used to work at a company where the owners threw their dead dog a funeral (replete with limousine and all the dog’s favorite cuisines from all 12 of his favorite restaurants. I kid you not) that must’ve cost them 10 Gs. So what’s $160 million to celebrate the swearing in of our new leader?
All of life’s important milestones deserve to be celebrated with complete ostentation, gross prodigality and an unabashed disregard for responsible fiduciary practices. In other words, it’s advisable to spend extravagantly especially when your financial house is in total ruin and there exists not a single shred of evidence to demonstrate that things are on the mend. Oh, that’s right, we’re banking on hope to solve our economic misery. Let’s see if this works: I hope I find a million bucks in my pocket. Damn, nothing but an old quarter and some lint but that’s not to say the hope that Obama brings will have a similar fate.
So come on, people, let’s not be this cheap, this stingy, this, dare I say, miserly, when we are celebrating the arrival of our Savior. How much would you be willing to pay to celebrate the Second Coming of Jesus? By most media accounts Obama, after all, is the Messiah. Think about it. This is the man who will fix all the ills of the world. Apparently, Obama has already solved the nation’s financial woes (why else would we be in such a celebratory mood?) and for so doing is being compared to Abe Lincoln before he’s even taken the oath of office. One saved the union; the other will plunge the nation into a deeper financial abyss with his own soiree. Don’t you totally see the comparisons?
An occasion of this magnitude deserves our magnanimity, not the ire that stems from a sincere concern we are spending too much on demonstrating to the world that ours is a leader of celestial stock. We are, for Pete’s sake, commemorating the historic nature of this particular presidency. Instead of asking are we spending too much I’m asking are we spending enough. Seriously. I’m wondering what sort of message we are sending to the world when we are only willing to spend $160 million on this monumental shift in American history. Are you kidding me? If we shelled out double it still wouldn’t be enough to truly capture the essence of our enthusiasm. How will other nations take us seriously if we only spend a paltry $160 million on a gala for a man who has already done so much for our great nation? How will such an insignificant sum translate to those nations whose respect we so desperately crave?
Instead of importing Disa orchids (which are simply gorgeous, by the way) from New Zealand for the inauguration, I think it would be better to fly the entire assemblage of humanity that is descending upon D.C. to New Zealand so that they can see this flora in its natural habitat. Yes, that would be a much more appropriate commemoration. For $160 million, I think it can be done. In fact, for $160 million I bet we could buy the entire nation of New Zealand and they’ll throw in the Disa orchids for free.
Why not spend $160 million? Don’t we deserve it? Doesn’t Obama deserve it? Never mind that we can’t afford it, he and we deserve it. Isn’t it an American tradition, a rite of passage, to spend frivolously on things we can ill afford? Besides, there has been a pall over our nation lately with all the depressing news about the economy and terrorism and the violence in the Middle East. We need a little distraction, a diversion, something to look forward to and have a good time. Indeed, we’ve always been taught to spend money we don’t have in order to preserve the appearance that we do have it and lots of it. This presidential inauguration is just another shining example of our brilliant philosophy. I for one support it and anyone who disagrees must be a raging fascist pig! Who are we, the minions, to question the intelligence and judgment of our leader? The man graduated from Harvard, people, and we all know that Harvard graduates are way more smarter than the rest of us losers. People like us couldn’t possibly comprehend the enormity and complexity inherent in such issues as deciding between the Jonas Brothers and New Kids on the Block. (Apparently “the Kids” were unavailable. Either that or they are right-wing conservative scum.)
Seriously, aren’t we all making a big fuss about nothing? It’s only $160 million, kids, and $160 million doesn’t buy what it ustah. Say, sonny, when I was your age I could buy the world and moon for $160 million. Today it only buys some dude who hasn’t even started his job a quaint, albeit dignified, celebration. And nothing screams dignity like Bow Wow.
Don’t you think we all should be given a party when we are hired for a new job even before we’ve proven our worth? That makes more sense than to have it at the end as an at-a-boy for a job well done. I mean most professional athletes are paid a guaranteed signing bonus before they even score a touchdown, a goal or a basket so why should the Leader of the Free World be any different? In addition to throwing him a huge kegger at the end of his term, as an acknowledgment of his accomplishments (and believe me, there will be plenty of them) and service to our nation based on performance, let’s demonstrate our gratitude for all he’s already accomplished. I can just hear you fascist right-wing Nazis asking, “But what accomplishments?” Hello? He’s already, like, given our nation hope and that’s way more important than tangible things like jobs, affordable gasoline and/or a free market economy.
Trust me, folks, we don’t want to commit the same egregious error twice. I mean we only spent like $40 million on Bush’s party and we all know how that story ends. Nicht gut! By giving Obama a $160 million party we are sending him a firm message that we love him. If we were to spend twice that amount then we’d be showing him that we love him that much more. Returning to the wedding analogy, in my experience there is a direct proportional relationship between the cost of a wedding and the amount of love the couple shares. You see, the more expensive the wedding the happier the couple and the greater the potential for a successful marriage. So, contrary to what you might be thinking, that the couple is only celebrating with such ostentation in a feeble attempt to divert attention from the fact that there really isn’t anything substantive about them, they are instead demonstrating their unbridled and unyielding love for each other. Show Obama the love, people, and relish in the fact that for $160 million America will have put on the best, if not the most expensive, party EVER! Alrighty then, who’s ready to rock some brews?