Back to Homeschool

Posted on 04 September 2009
Tags: When Nice Moms Turn Nasty

My wife and I have decided to homeschool our kids. It was by no means a decision we arrived at easily as we researched extensively, having attended both homeschooling seminars and preschool open houses. We weighed pros and cons. Both options have their benefits and shortcomings, to be sure, but in the end, and for a variety of reasons, homeschooling made sense…to us.

Was that the sound of the sky falling?

Just so you don’t attempt to reconcile this non sequitur by relying on the vast and fruitful tapestry of homeschooling stereotypes, here are some facts to consider: my wife and I are not “bible thumpers” (in fact, being Jewish, we’re not Torah thumpers either); my wife does not wear a really long skirt and she’s not always pregnant; I don’t wear a wide-brimmed black hat or suspenders; we’re both world travelers and university-educated; we don’t have a litter of kids and the ones we do have don’t go around in bare feet; we don’t live on a farm; and we both went to public schools (my wife having the distinct privilege of attending the very same “amazing” schools we’ve decided to forgo).

I’ve discussed homeschooling since the topic of preschool started cropping up with other parents and, most frequently, in the Den of Yentas. (Oh, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about the “yentas”! In case you’ve never been acquainted with, or have since forgotten, my favorite group of free-speaking moms, here’s a refresher.)

The moment I first walked into the Den, the yentas were hammering me about which preschool I planned to enroll my kids. When I answered honestly (and in retrospect, mistakenly) that I was considering homeschooling, this literally launched a local war. Since revealing my dirty little secret, I’ve been yelled at, criticized and ridiculed. I became a pariah of the community. This vitriolic response continues to this day.

Why is it that parents who don’t homeschool get so off-the-chart offended when you tell them that you homeschool? Better yet, why do they believe they know what’s best for your kids as well as feel compelled and entitled to share with you that fact?

Oh, I failed to mention the supreme irony in all of this: oddly enough, most of these critics of my school choice would be staunchly supportive of me if I were a woman exercising a choice of a different matter entirely. You see, I live in a community that touts itself as very “liberal,” open-minded and accepting of different people and opinions. This privilege of acceptance, however, seems to extend exclusively to those who never leave the reservation. So long as you do everything that everyone else is doing, then you’re granted safe passage. But get out of line and, well, you get the picture.

Let me share with you some of the more “educated” criticisms I’ve heard:

Yenta #1: (Sarcastic tone) Why would you home school for preschool when all they’re doing is playing?

Steely Dad: Why would you pay $1,200 a month if they’re only playing? Can’t you play at a park for free?

Yenta #2: Your kids are too smart and show too much promise. We’re not going to let you ruin them. (The Den erupted into laughter.)

Steely Dad: (I just shook my head incredulously that supposedly “educated” people could be so stupid.)

Yenta #3: Don’t you want your kids to be socialized?

Steely Dad: Of course. It’s just that I believe my kids deserve to be socialized by people who are actually socialized. Ever read Lord of the Flies?

Yenta #4: That’s stupid.

Steely Dad: Any chance you were traditionally educated? Because, seriously, you’re exceptionally articulate.

Yenta #4: (Expletives!)

Yenta #1: I could understand homeschooling if the schools here sucked but these are some of the best schools ANYWHERE! People move to this area and pay the insultingly-high taxes just for the schools.

Steely Dad: Why are these schools so great?

Yenta #1: They have some of the highest test scores in the nation.

Steely Dad: And high test scores are a sign of a good education? Ever wonder why the test scores are so high?

Yenta #1: Huh?

Steely Dad: Never mind. If there are no further questions…

Do I labor under the illusion that homeschooling will be easy? No. But rarely in my life have I found the easy road to be the right road. All I can tell you is that we feel homeschooling is best for our kids at this particular stage in their lives. As we embark on this very exciting adventure, we will continue to monitor and evaluate and if we should decide that we need to change directions, it will be our choice to make.

So, to those parents who choose not to homeschool and think anyone who does is a moron: look, I homeschool; you don’t. However, unlike you, I could care less how you decide to educate your kids for I respect your right to choose. Why do you care how I decide to educate my kids? I realize your concern comes from a place of altruism, that you truly care about the welfare of my kids, apparently more so than I do, but please, don’t worry. We’re going to be just fine.

Just_Aimee

Great post! I am also a non-traditional homeschooler. It is definitely the best choice we have made!!

steelydad

Thanks for reading, Aimee. I'm happy to hear that it was a good decision for you and your family. It's nice to receive so much support!

Keith Wilcox

You and I have a lot in common! I homeschool my boys as well. We are not religious people either. My wife is a translator and lawyer. I got a degree in History and Latin American Studies. It's funny how many stereotypes people try to shove us into. We get some of the same reactions when we say that we teach our kids at home. You're right; for some reason people get really offended. It really isn't for everyone, but for those of us who choose to do it, I don't see why we're confronted with so much resistance. BTW my boys are 6 and 5, I've been doing it for 3 years. Good job. I'll keep checking back :-)

steelydad

Hey Keith! Thanks for reading. I really appreciate hearing from someone who's been on the homeschooling road for a while. We're just beginning our journey so we don't really know what to expect. Yea, the negative reactions must come from a place of insecurity. But as you can see from others who've commented here, there are also those who support a family's decision to homeschool. Please keep me posted and feel free to offer any advice!

dadofalltrades

We've had similar discussions on this topic...and let me tell you, the first few weeks of kindergarten for our oldest hasn't exactly put the discussion to rest. What a disaster. Bravo to you.

BloggerFather

I think the weird homeschool people you see are like that because of their weird parents. If you're a parent who takes the kid away from school because they don't talk enough about Jesus there (or because they show Obama's speeches there), then you're going to have a weird homeschooled child. If you're a rational person who will make sure that no matter where his kid goes, he will always have a diverse environment to learn from, then your son can only gain.

On another note, The Torah Thumpers could be a good name for a Klezmer band, just in case.

Dan Green

Good luck Steely Dad. We don't homeschool but everything I've ever read on homeschooled kids is that statistically they tend to do better in all areas and end up well-adjusted and socialized.

Maximo

Dear Exemplary Parents:
I find your message about homeschooling and public-education, intelligent, courageous and very responsible, especially in the today's environment in which the "institutions" of the community do not have a coherent vision and philosophy regarding education principles, manners, and correct and sincere compassion! If you find your needs have changed, or the needs of your precious children have changed in the future, you can always coordinate a new strategy! Much Love and Admiration, Dad & Zeida, Maximo.

Alicia

Good for you Todd for homeschooling! We have been homeschooling our kids since the beginning! It is the best! No one will care more about your child's education than you and no one knows your child better than you! I think you will love the flexibility it gives to you help your child's strengths soar and help them grow in their areas of weakness! I LOVE this blog entry! (Especially your conversation with the Yentas!!!)

taraforbes

Good for you, Todd. I am currently working at a Montessori school where I am teaching Algebra to 3 kids, who were otherwise going to be homeschooled. I am also teaching them Spanish. It is an amazing setting, kids can ask questions without feeling embarrased and the school does many things with them in the community, which public schools do not, but homeschooling parents can. I have gone back and forth with it myself, but my 4 year old is doing very well in her Montessori program and I may choose to keep her there instead of public schools if I don't go with homeschooling. Good luck to you and your family.

kellychurney

Stay strong Todd. I have a sister-in-law that has 6 kids and has homeschooled them all. Although they do have a 1/2 dozen kids and strong Christan beliefs, that is not the reason they chose to homeschool. At the time they made this decision (early 80's), our family gawked with mouths wide open at their decision. However, seeing how great and well rounded their childen are now, we are closed mouth believers. And did I forget to mention smart?? Their first, after scoring a nearly perfect SAT score when she was 16, went on to earn her degree in Aeronautical Engineering. Their 3rd, 4th and 5th all scored very high on SAT's as well and were National Merit Scholars. A bit of bragging here on my nieces and nephew I know, but very well deserved.
I wish I had the confidence to homeschool because not only do you have the opportunity to have one on one learning with your child, you have the time to discover and explore!
Good for you and Ariella for having the courage!

SurprisedMom

I commend you for sticking to your guns. I admire you for having the guts to go against the "Den of Yentas" and doing what's best for your children. I also admire you for choosing homeschooling because it's not an easy road. I only know this through heresay because after looking into homeschooling, I knew it wasn't for me. I didn't think I could give my children the benefits, the education they deserved.

Why must people stick their noses into something that is none of their concern? Why do other people think they have the right to tell anyone how to raise their children? Why do outsiders think they know what's best for other people's children and other people's families? I've been grappling with these questions for quite some time. I still don't know the answers. Worse yet, I can never think of an appropriate response when people start telling me what I should do with my children, my husband, my life. I end up feeling upset and muttering hmmm a lot.

Steely Dad and Steely Mom, kudos to you for figuring out what's best for YOUR children and following through on it. I admire your courage for disregarding the "Den of Yentas." I'm sure being the object of a negative crusade is not easy. I can only hope the negativity settles down soon and the Yentas go on to something else they disapprove of.

Good luck to your whole family and I hope the homeschool experience is a positive one for everyone.

Weasel Momma

Funny how the people who pride themselves so publicly about being open-minded and accepting are only so when you subscribe to their school of thought.

Mom_In_High_Heels

Good for you! We're in our second year of hsing. Mostly we love it. Indy sure does. He went to a private K and did not have a good experience. He can't sit still that long! And really, if he wants to sing his spelling words while writing them, I don't care. He's happy, learning so much more than his peers (actual learning, not just repeating facts), and I'm the person who gets to see all this, not some other person who's only investment in my child is a high test score so s/he can keep their job.
We are not religious home schoolers, though we use the Sonlight curriculum. I chose it for the literature and have replaced the bible thumping style of books with books that explore the world with a less Christian slant. Not that I have anything against it, I just think Indy should learn about ALL the religions (the World Religions book we use is one of his favorites), not just Christianity. As you know from visiting my blog, I don't have a litter of children, dh does not wear a black hat and suspenders and I certainly don't wear long, frumpy skirts (that would hide my awesome shoes!). We're normal people (well, mostly normal), who want to have more input in the education of our child. I have friends who try really hard to get me to send Indy to school, but I'm firm. And don't get why people care. I don't care that they send their kids to school. Why do they care that I don't? He's VERY social, can talk to people of all ages (and is working on doing so in 2 languages), has lots of friends, knows how to act in public, and is very happy. At the end of the day, that's all that matters to me. Best of luck to you in your hs adventure. It can be tiring, but so worth it.

RecycledDad

This is the second post I've read tonight on homeschooling. It's making me want to research it. My first two kids thrived in public school and got into great colleges, but I don't know if public (or private) school will be the right thing for #3. My wife and I had better figure it out soon!

Lorie

Wow, I just want to tell you that you are doing an amazing thing by homescooling. It's by all means not the easiest thing to do, but for me it has been worth it. My husband and I, as you did, researched extensively to make sure we knew what we were getting into and to make sure it was the right decision for us.

The truth is there should be more questions about why people choose the public school system. The questions they ask us are the same questions they should ask theirselves! They may be surprised in the answers that come.

That being said, people should be free to make their own decision in what is best for their children. Homeschooling may not be the best choice for everyone, agreed. On the other hand, homeschooling for some is the only answer that fits!

Please, don't feel discouraged in the least by the criticism they gave you. Trust me, you will hear everything. The truth is that the research and studies done on homeschooling vs. public education speak for themselves.

Karsten Wade

We've been homeschooling for years and just went through a round of "trying normal school" for our girls this week. Nothing much more to share at this point, just letting you know there are other secular and non-judgemental stay/work-at-home-dads homeschooling out here.

In our homeschooling community, I'm one of the few dads who is able to attend daytime activities and classes, so I often find myself in a den of women. However, they are far from yentas; very supportive, and sad when we said last week the girls were trying regular school. Short-lived experiment, lessons learned, on to better year.

A key, I think, is not feeling like you have to do it all; there are lots of support and groups and other homeschoolers out there. Just build on lessons learned, as you would normally do in life, making mistakes and growing from them.

Mazel tov!

glory

Did you really get that type of a reaction? It is amazing how some can feel so free to criticize others based on their own decisions. Homeschooling has a lot of great benefits, I know many people who are in their 30's today that were homeschooled for at least part, if not all, of their elementary and high school education. These are amazing people just as my friends who attended public or private schools are amazing people. My opinion is that it is a personal choice and not one that should be judged.

glory

Did you really get that type of a reaction? It is amazing how some can feel so free to criticize others based on their own decisions. Homeschooling has a lot of great benefits, I know many people who are in their 30's today that were homeschooled for at least part, if not all of their elementary and high school education. These are amazing people just as my friends who attended public or private schools are amazing people. My opinion is that it is a personal choice and not one that should be judged.

PJ Mullen

You are a better man than I, you can see my post today on my reasons as to why I could never do that. All kidding aside, I think there is a lot of merit to home schooling, I just know it isn't something I have the drive to do. I also reserve the right to change my mind once my son gets a little older and it becomes time to start investigating school :)

Dfiles

The Yentas sound a little too concerned with other people's children. Honestly, it's a little scary.

The only time I debate homeschooling is if I run across a forum that invites input from both sides. But your post does not fit the bill. It would be rude to come on here and bash you for a choice you have every right to make. And seeing that it doesn't affect me (or the Yentas), why bother arguing?

Now isn't it time you put on your wide-brimmed black hat and go attend to your barefoot, unsocialized children and the rest of the cult? ;-)

Zerzix

My brother is planing on homeschooling his child. My cusins were home schooled, as well as my brother's wife. They all turned out fine for the most part.

I can understand not paying for pre-school, it is expencive and foolish. I can see doing that if, both parents work. at that young impressionable age I want to be sure my childeren are learning the life values that I hold.

with my wife being a stay at home mom ( a position I don't envy, but praise) we did not pay for pre-school for our oldest. But we did put her in public school for state funded pre-K and up. Our feeling in that is "we pay our taxes to pay for Public School, might as well use what we pay for."

There is nothing wrong with home schooling. I would just like to remind perople that you can only teach what you know. Public and private schools do offer a diversity in education and knowledge sources that home sschooling can not always provide.

Good luck with you choice.

theteachertom

Home schooling is an awesome choice. It's a great way to educate kids . . . I share your skepticism about the importance of test scores, but I'm pretty sure home schooled kids tend to score much higher than average on the one that really counts: the SATs.

The only reason we didn't choose it is that I know I would suck at cobbling together a social life for my kid.