Daddy’s Little Secret
More drama on the blogging front.
I made the egregious mistake of upgrading my blogging software to the most recent incarnation of Wordpress, the seemingly innocuous vintage 2.8. I, however, have found a more fitting title: Satan’s Software. I’ve been up all hours of the night for the past few days trying to exterminate the bugs that infest this piece of work. In any case, this is the main, but not singular, reason to explain my hiatus. I even had this cool Father’s Day story about my father-in-law but who the hell wants to read that AFTER the big day? Exactly.
In the immortal words of Bob Marley, when one HTML code closes another opens and in my case this is no exception. Today marks a major milestone in my heretofore modest blogging career. This post is my first submission as an OFFICIAL columnist for the social network juggernaut Dad Blogs. Why they picked me to write for them can only mean one thing: everyone else they asked declined. Anyhow, I’m happy to oblige and I hope you’ll check out this awesome site as there are some seriously fantastic bloggers who call Dad Blogs home.
As anyone who’s been following Steely Dad since its inception way back in January of this year, you know that I often share some rather intimate details of my life. I feel an obligation to be open and honest with the Steely Dad Nation and I’m not going to change that approach just because I’m some dude with a by-line. But I’ve got to tell you, this story is so bloody embarrassing that I’m not even sure I can share it with you. It’s way worse than even Telemarketing Phone Sex. Should I compromise my integrity, my reputation, my character and in the process cause irreparable harm to my children’s self-esteem? Sure, why the hell not? I’ve got nothing better to do.
So Steely Wife took Steely Kids out to the park last week. I thought they’d be gone for at least an hour which meant I could get some Steely Dad time all to myself. What do guys do when their wife and kids aren’t around? What do you think we do? Well, I should say that 99 percent of us do and the other 1 percent won’t admit it. Come on guys, you all know what I’m talking about. Uh-huh, that’s right. I’m not afraid to admit that as a SAHD I so deeply cherish these moments for they have become as rare as an red diamond and just as valuable. But guys, don’t be fooled. Mine is a cautionary tale, the message of which you should heed.
Feeling kinda frisky, I went to what I thought was a private area of the house. I proceeded to prepare myself for fun and frivolity and in the midst of my solo dalliance, just as things were getting interesting, I hear a key slide into a lock, the pins moving as they’re engaged and then I see the knob turn as if in slow motion. Intruders! My initial reaction was to flee but I had no where to run. I was cornered and it was far too late to get myself back to normal. I was caught, shall we say, red-handed?
Of course Steely Wife, at least after shielding the childrens’ eyes, seized the opportunity to capture this rather delicate situation for digital prosperity. She is nothing if not skilled in the art of extortion. Below is the visual product of her extraordinary effort. Now be forewarned, Steely Dad Fan, the photo is exceptionally graphic. Not only should minors never, ever, under any circumstances be subjected to such a disgraceful display, no adult should either for that matter. I’m warning you now before you click on the link. Trust me when I say you’ll never be able to return to that safe and happy sanctuary after viewing this photo. Still want to look? OK but it’s your nightmare.
So sue me, OK? Yea, I like to wear princess stuff and rock some brews and smoke cigars with my Dale Jr. teddy bear. Is that so wrong?
How did I respond, you might ask? As if spontaneously filled with the Holy Spirit of Nacho Libre, I raised my head, mustered what little pride remained and said, “Honey, when you are a man sometimes you wear princess stuff, in your room. It’s for fun.”
The lesson here? Guys, it’s OK to wear your princess gear; just don’t get caught wearing your princess gear and for Pete’s sake never get caught wearing your princess gear by your wife and kids.
