Steely Dad

To be honest, I simply didn’t have the time, or inclination, to watch any of the Obama inauguration, except that butchered oath http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMyPf4qvdbw. That was awkward.

Other than another swearing-in of a president who just so happens to have a higher level of melanin in his skin compared to the previous 43 pasty men who held the office, I guess I just didn’t see the “historical” component for which the entire nation was so obsessed. I know, I know, how unenlightened of me. But my three-year-old doesn’t notice that Obama is black and that John McCain is white (trust me, the boy recognizes both men as well as he can spot an In-N-Out seven miles away). That’s the way it should be, right? Oh, but he simply doesn’t understand, some will say. Doesn’t he, though? Isn’t the definition of being truly enlightened when we no longer say things like, “First black this” or “First brown that?” Aren’t we supposed to live in a color-blind society that judges a person by the content of his or her character rather than the color of his or her skin? If so, then why do the media bombard us with an unrelenting stream of “Obama-is-the-first-black-president” messages? (Technically, he’s the first biracial president because his mother is, yes, I know, how disappointing, white.) Can we simply refer to Obama like all the other presidents: Mr. President? I’m sure even he’s grown tired of the moniker.

Is the United States suddenly enlightened because we elected a biracial man to lead our country or were we ever in need of enlightening in the first place? Will Zimbabwe wallow in the shadows of darkness until it elects a minority to lead the country? Is China a racist nation because it has never had a non-Asian leader? Can Iraq or Iran achieve this new level of enlightenment only if they elect a Jew as leader? What about good ol’ France, the country that believes it is far superior to all other countries and that the world would cease to spin on its axis should France decide it to be so? Is France any less enlightened because it has yet to elect a person of color as its leader? Why is it that all these other countries feel it is within their right to judge us when very few countries, if any, have ever elected a minority person to the highest office?

The message is extremely confusing to me so I can only imagine how confounding it must be for kids. First, we must celebrate this watershed moment in American history that we have finally seen the arrival of a man who isn’t completely white holding the nation’s highest office. Yet, then we are not supposed to treat people differently because they are black or brown or pink or purple. Does anyone think that Obama’s inauguration was any different than the previous presidents’? Was he provided, shall we say, a little more flare? Was he treated any differently by reporters and the media in general? Why? Is it because we are actually unable to see past the color of his skin? Are we supposed to recognize that this man is in fact black, or at least partially black? Should we celebrate it but not too much? Is that what we’re supposed to do? Acknowledge but don’t relish? Seriously, I don’t know.

We teach our kids to be color blind but are we practicing what we preach when, according to Gallop, 43% of whites voted for Obama while only 3% of blacks voted for McCain? www.gallup.com/poll/108040/Candidate-Support-Race.aspx. If that isn’t basing a decision on skin color I’m not sure what qualifies.

I know, I’m a racist for even mentioning such a thing. Can we move on now?

Look, Obama is a man just like any other. We can safely assume he sleeps, eats and breathes in precisely the same manner as the rest of us. Perhaps we should we stop thinking it’s so special because he’s biracial.  The only purpose that serves is to delay the day when we will be truly enlightened and see people in my three-year-old son’s terms: “cool” and “not-so-cool.” Color or race never factor in for this enlightened little boy.

I, for one, plan to treat President Obama as I have all his predecessors: I will make fun of his bloopers, his blunders and his mannerisms. I might go a little easy on Obama, not because he is biracial but because he has that awful stammer. Making fun of the man’s stammer is just mean.

In any case, I think the only time I will really celebrate is when the first gay-black-Hispanic-Asian-Mormon-transgender paraplegic becomes president and no one mentions the fact that the person is the first gay-black-Hispanic-Asian-Mormon-transgender paraplegic president. I’d also celebrate if someone I personally knew called 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue his (or her) crib and I was allowed to crash there. I hear the White House crème brulee is something special.

People spend six and sometimes seven figures on weddings, bar mitzvahs, Sweet 16s. Heck, I used to work at a company where the owners threw their dead dog a funeral (replete with limousine and all the dog’s favorite cuisines from all 12 of his favorite restaurants. I kid you not) that must’ve cost them 10 Gs. So what’s $160 million to celebrate the swearing in of our new leader?

All of life’s important milestones deserve to be celebrated with complete ostentation, gross prodigality and an unabashed disregard for responsible fiduciary practices. In other words, it’s advisable to spend extravagantly especially when your financial house is in total ruin and there exists not a single shred of evidence to demonstrate that things are on the mend. Oh, that’s right, we’re banking on hope to solve our economic misery. Let’s see if this works: I hope I find a million bucks in my pocket. Damn, nothing but an old quarter and some lint but that’s not to say the hope that Obama brings will have a similar fate.

So come on, people, let’s not be this cheap, this stingy, this, dare I say, miserly, when we are celebrating the arrival of our Savior. How much would you be willing to pay to celebrate the Second Coming of Jesus? By most media accounts Obama, after all, is the Messiah. Think about it. This is the man who will fix all the ills of the world. Apparently, Obama has already solved the nation’s financial woes (why else would we be in such a celebratory mood?) and for so doing is being compared to Abe Lincoln before he’s even taken the oath of office. One saved the union; the other will plunge the nation into a deeper financial abyss with his own soiree. Don’t you totally see the comparisons?

An occasion of this magnitude deserves our magnanimity, not the ire that stems from a sincere concern we are spending too much on demonstrating to the world that ours is a leader of celestial stock. We are, for Pete’s sake, commemorating the historic nature of this particular presidency. Instead of asking are we spending too much I’m asking are we spending enough. Seriously. I’m wondering what sort of message we are sending to the world when we are only willing to spend $160 million on this monumental shift in American history. Are you kidding me? If we shelled out double it still wouldn’t be enough to truly capture the essence of our enthusiasm. How will other nations take us seriously if we only spend a paltry $160 million on a gala for a man who has already done so much for our great nation? How will such an insignificant sum translate to those nations whose respect we so desperately crave?

Instead of importing Disa orchids (which are simply gorgeous, by the way) from New Zealand for the inauguration, I think it would be better to fly the entire assemblage of humanity that is descending upon D.C. to New Zealand so that they can see this flora in its natural habitat. Yes, that would be a much more appropriate commemoration. For $160 million, I think it can be done. In fact, for $160 million I bet we could buy the entire nation of New Zealand and they’ll throw in the Disa orchids for free.

Why not spend $160 million? Don’t we deserve it? Doesn’t Obama deserve it? Never mind that we can’t afford it, he and we deserve it. Isn’t it an American tradition, a rite of passage, to spend frivolously on things we can ill afford? Besides, there has been a pall over our nation lately with all the depressing news about the economy and terrorism and the violence in the Middle East. We need a little distraction, a diversion, something to look forward to and have a good time. Indeed, we’ve always been taught to spend money we don’t have in order to preserve the appearance that we do have it and lots of it. This presidential inauguration is just another shining example of our brilliant philosophy. I for one support it and anyone who disagrees must be a raging fascist pig! Who are we, the minions, to question the intelligence and judgment of our leader? The man graduated from Harvard, people, and we all know that Harvard graduates are way more smarter than the rest of us losers. People like us couldn’t possibly comprehend the enormity and complexity inherent in such issues as deciding between the Jonas Brothers and New Kids on the Block. (Apparently “the Kids” were unavailable. Either that or they are right-wing conservative scum.)

Seriously, aren’t we all making a big fuss about nothing? It’s only $160 million, kids, and $160 million doesn’t buy what it ustah. Say, sonny, when I was your age I could buy the world and moon for $160 million. Today it only buys some dude who hasn’t even started his job a quaint, albeit dignified, celebration. And nothing screams dignity like Bow Wow.

Don’t you think we all should be given a party when we are hired for a new job even before we’ve proven our worth? That makes more sense than to have it at the end as an at-a-boy for a job well done. I mean most professional athletes are paid a guaranteed signing bonus before they even score a touchdown, a goal or a basket so why should the Leader of the Free World be any different? In addition to throwing him a huge kegger at the end of his term, as an acknowledgment of his accomplishments (and believe me, there will be plenty of them) and service to our nation based on performance, let’s demonstrate our gratitude for all he’s already accomplished. I can just hear you fascist right-wing Nazis asking, “But what accomplishments?” Hello? He’s already, like, given our nation hope and that’s way more important than tangible things like jobs, affordable gasoline and/or a free market economy.

Trust me, folks, we don’t want to commit the same egregious error twice. I mean we only spent like $40 million on Bush’s party and we all know how that story ends. Nicht gut! By giving Obama a $160 million party we are sending him a firm message that we love him. If we were to spend twice that amount then we’d be showing him that we love him that much more. Returning to the wedding analogy, in my experience there is a direct proportional relationship between the cost of a wedding and the amount of love the couple shares. You see, the more expensive the wedding the happier the couple and the greater the potential for a successful marriage. So, contrary to what you might be thinking, that the couple is only celebrating with such ostentation in a feeble attempt to divert attention from the fact that there really isn’t anything substantive about them, they are instead demonstrating their unbridled and unyielding love for each other. Show Obama the love, people, and relish in the fact that for $160 million America will have put on the best, if not the most expensive, party EVER!  Alrighty then, who’s ready to rock some brews?