Steely Dad

And stay-at-home dads are from a plant in a galaxy far, far away…

NOTE: I’ve switched back to the standard font.  It was too much of a pain in the arse with the other one.  If you can’t read it, get some glasses!

Being a stay-at-home dad (SAHD) has provided me a unique opportunity to study and annotate the differences between how my wife and I parent and how we conduct our lives in general.   Here’s the product of my empirical research.  I made a list, really for my kids when they get older, but let me know if it’s the same way in your crib.  We may not always share the same technique but the goal is absolute: to raise happy children who eventually become happy adults.

Here goes:

Mommy researches

Daddy recites the research that Mommy conducts

Mommy works

Daddy gets worked like a rented mule

Mommy cooks

Daddy grills

Mommy freaks out when someone gets hurt

Daddy says to rub some dirt on it

Mommy drinks wine

Daddy drinks whatever he can get his shakey hands on (sterno if necessary)

Mommy’s rules apply

Daddy’s rules are rejected like a conservative bill trying to make its way through Congress

Mommy can’t figure out how to work the remote control

Daddy uses the remote like an extra apendage

Mommy screams and shouts

Daddy gives “the look”

Mommy is loved

Daddy is considered “the help”

Mommy wants to protect you

Daddy wants to teach you how to protect yourself

Mommy engages the question “why?” and does her best to answer it

Daddy pretends not to hear the question that’s asked of him no less than 1,000 times per day

Mommy takes five hours to get out of the house

Daddy take five minutes

Mommy reads books on modern parenting methods

Daddy takes a trial-and-error approach

Mommy buys organic food

Daddy feeds you the organic food Mommy buys because he has no other choice

Mommy carries five diaper bags

Daddy carries what fits into his pockets

Mommy wants you to learn

Daddy wants to teach you

Mommy is bossy

Daddy is diplomatic

Mommy watches Court TV

Daddy has the dog test his morning breakfast

Mommy loves online shopping

Daddy loves onlines adult entertainment that is sophisticated and tasteful

Mommy buys toys for the kids

Daddy assembles (and plays with) them

Mommy loves you

Daddy loves you more  :)

I’ve completely lost all confidence in my decision-making abilities. Before being married, I was the master of my domain, making sound decisions on the fly and feeling pretty darn good about myself. I had an unusual upbringing that required me to basically raise myself so I was used to making big-time decisions on my own and from an early age. However, once I got married and started having kids, it’s as though my mind evaporated into mush and I lost the capacity for making decisions. I have to consult my wife for each and every decision, big, small, miniscule, moronic, it doesn’t matter. I can’t even so much as decide what I should make for dinner much less whether or not to re-finance the house. I even have to consult my wife about what I should wear, when I should use the bathroom and in which direction I should brush my teeth.

I’ve noticed, however, in the not-so-recent-past my wife has developed the same illness. The person who was once my advisor has been rendered incapacitated. This is due, no doubt, to my unending line of questions like, “Do I like this salad, hun?”

Enter my son.

Now whenever I need to make a decision, I consult my son (who is three years of age, by the way). It’s really a fascinating experiment. I use him like one of those Magic 8 balls where you ask a question, shake up the ball and read your fate. (Note to Child Protective Services: I don’t actually shake my son. He’s nearly 40 pounds and far too heavy for me to toss around.) For example, my wife and I have been debating whether or not we should close this bank account that has a line of credit attached to it. The line of credit has an annual fee and a pretty low interest rate but we rarely use it and we don’t know if this is a safety net that justifies the cost. On the other hand, with the economy in complete turmoil and the future so uncertain, having access to cash is a nice amenity. It’s not like banks are throwing cash around these days. The missus and I debated the pros and cons and vacillated for literally months. We were at a serious impasse. Finally, I just turned to my son and asked him what we should do. I figured he was as good an expert as any other. After all what is an expert but someone who takes your watch and tells you what time it is, right? My son the sage said we should close the account so we did and it was the best decision we’ve made all year. We’ve saved having to pay the annual fee plus we got to keep the free toaster. Win-win, baby! From this point forward, if I have a tough decision to make, I’ll consult my son. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Hmmm, I wonder how well he decides trifectas.