Steely Dad

The slow economy has caused a big pinch for many families. The Steely Family is no different and since one of us is a stay-at-home dad (that’s yours truly) we are dependent on one income. Not to mention, that singular income is a self-employment arrangement that doesn’t provide the same security as a regular paycheck. If we don’t work, we don’t get paid.

So I’ve been scratching the ol’ noggin lately, trying to figure out a way I can make some extra dough to help contribute to the family’s bottom line. I’m not trading in my apron; I want to supplement so that I don’t have to, don’t dare say it, get a J-O-B!

So here’s a list of jobs I’m considering, occupations I feel are a good fit for my unique qualifications.

Here we go:

10. Life Coach: I still can’t figure out what the hell a life coach is, does or who hires them but I figure I’ve been living for 38 years and doing so adequately. It seems like any moron (just check out Twitter) can do this so why not me? Qualifications: I’m already on retainer as the life coach of two little kids so I’ve got plenty of experience.

9. Consultant: What would I consult? I could take your watch and tell you what time it is. That’s gotta be worth something. Qualifications: Are there any?

8. Porn Star: The pay is not great (in fact, it might be the only occupation in which the pay scale tilts in favor of the women) and there are some serious occupational hazards to consider. Nevertheless, the benefits are pretty awesome. Qualifications: Although I can’t recall the last time it happened, I know I’ve had sex at least two times in my life. I mean, how “hard” can it be?

7. Football Color Commentator: I love watching football and have been doing so since I was five and played it from Jr. Pee Wee Pop Warner to high school when it became evident that the UCLA Bruins didn’t need a 145-pound middle linebacker. Qualifications: My wife and mom say I always make insightful comments before the commentator does so that should qualify me.

6. Professional Gambler: All I need is a bank roll. If you’re interested in getting into the “Steely Dad” business, let me know. Qualifications: I’ve been to Vegas many times and have NEVER had to visit a pawn shop.

5. Actor: Contrary to what you might be thinking, this is NOT the same thing as Job #8. This one requires actual Thespian abilities. Qualifications: I was the lead in a sixth-grade play in which I played an actor playing the role of Oedipus Rex. Let the jokes begin.

4. Lactation Consultant: I love boobs and am a HUGE proponent for breast-feeding mothers everywhere. Qualifications: I’ve been to at least 104 breast-feeding support group meetings and this was before I even had a lactating wife.

3. Professional Wrestler: I used to watch the WWF religiously until about the sixth grade. Qualifications: Do I really need any more than that and a few cycles of roids? Oh, and some stretchy pants and granny panties.

2. Oprah’s Replacement: I’ve never been a big fan. In fact, I downright despise the woman and am happy I won’t have to see her mug any longer. Qualifications: I can talk and ask questions and I can also fake-cry and pretend I’m actually interested in what bullshit is spewing from your mouth. And I can also say, “You go girl!”

1. Cult Leader: I’ve always been fascinated by cult leaders. They seem like such losers yet they get so many people to pledge their lives, fortunes and sacred honor. The hours are long but the pay is great. The only problem with this one is that you usually end up dead. Qualifications: When I had long hair, people used to call me Jesus.

Well, that’s it. Send me your leads!

Let’s face it, men: the parenting blog genre is a woman’s world. Moms have been at it longer than we have so they are organized, networked and supportive of each other (for the most part). It’s that sisterhood gene we lack. So they get a lion’s share of all the groovy free products and advertising bucks. But we can’t complain. Just like when the ladies had to break the proverbial glass ceiling when they entered the workforce, we too must pay our dues.

But I bring good news, my brothers! An industry insider recently declared to me that 2010 will be the “Year of the Dad Blog”! There are many signs that she may be on to something.

In addition to more dad sites garnering the attention of advertisers and PR agencies, many mom sites are opening their doors to dads. It turns out that moms love to read a man’s perspective, especially when it comes from one to whom they are not married. Who knew?

And apparently the lovely ladies over at the incredibly informative website, ModernMom.com think I have what it takes to hang with the girls as they have invited me to join the ranks of their gifted and talented writers as a featured blogger.

I know what you’re asking: why Steely Dad? I am neither gifted nor talented and what I have to say barely passes as “insightful.”

Truth be told, I have no idea. Perhaps they felt pity for me; perhaps it has something to do with the assumption that as a stay-at-home dad I must be deeply in touch with my feminine side. Maybe they received some nastygram from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to add a daddy or face a Senate hearing. I haven’t a clue. The answer is unknown but to G-d and the crack staff at ModernMom and I doubt either party is gonna say much.

In any case, feel free to check out my ModernMom blog at http://www.modernmom.com/blogs/steely-dad/.

Hope to hear from you all soon!

At 9 PM Central on Thursday, Oct. 29, the Steely Family embarked on an ambitious adventure that most parents dare not even mention. What am I talking about? The Family Road Trip.

So far, the trip has been pretty eventful, complete with overnight stays in Wal-Mart parking lots and dances with crazy drivers. During one stretch through Kansas, we were greeted with a noisome odor. Being that we were in rural Kansas, I assumed it was produced by bovine manure. However, this particular scent had that distinctive “human” quality. I took a quick peek in the backseat at Steely Daughter and was stricken by absolute fear at the site of my beautiful daughter covered in poop after having a colossal blowout! She had it all over her hands so this emergency required swift, evasive and direct intervention. Needless to say, we will be one pair of pants short on our return trip.

This incident, along with some others, required me to take pause and ask the question: why do (sane) people go on road trips? More specifically, why do parents go on road trips with their kids? This trip has been different from all previous road trips. What happened to the romance of the road I recall, the road I knew intimately when Steely Wife and I camped across this great nation for our honeymoon (we subsequently enjoyed an Alaskan cruise but our camping adventure was our REAL honeymoon). The road I engage today is a distant relative of the one I once knew. The victim of an evolutionary defect that robbed it of its soul? Perhaps. Or perhaps it is me who had undergone the metamorphosis. Perhaps my psyche no longer requires the challenge of rugged survival on the road, but instead relishes in the creature comforts of the Four Seasons (or even the Sleazy 8, which is just as good as the Four Seasons after a sleepless night in a Wal-Mart parking lot).

The reason we go on road trips is for the opportunity such adventures provide for self-introspection and self-discovery. On the road, our souls are baptized by the wind and the endless stretch of asphalt that leads to the horizon of our dreams. Of course, at this stage in my life, I feel confident I can obtain the same soul-searching revelations with a warm bed and a plasma TV.

In any case, this stay-at-home dad wants to provide his loyal readers with a veritable “real time” experience of this unique adventure. Thus, I’m going to provide a kind of play-by-play narrative, including all the gory details, at Twitter (and maybe Facebook). So follow me: steely_dad for exclusive updates. Missed what’s already happened? You can read previous tweets on my Twitter homepage. And, in a Steely Dad first, I’m also going to attempt to provide ALL updates utilizing nothing more than my mobile communication device. Enjoy!

This past week was a busy, but fun, one for the Steely Family. We went to the local carnival (for three days) and to keep the good times a-rollin’ we also threw in a Disney On Ice show for good measure. I realize this might give the false impression that being a stay-at-home dad (SAHD) is all fun and games, but really, being a stay-at-home dad can be tough work. No, really, it can be.  However, to be perfectly honest, when Steely Wife joins us, as she did for these events, I feel more like an unemployed dad than a SAHD.

I was struck with the most intense wave of nostalgia at the carnival. It seemed to me that all of the sparkly-cars-go-in-a-circle rides as well as the spinning-until-you-puke rides that I took my son on were the EXACT same rides that I rode when I was his age. No, I don’t mean similar; I mean the exact SAME! In fact, all of the toothless operators possessed an odd quality of reminiscence about them as well. I was my son’s age, eh hem, more than 30 years ago but could it be that these are, in fact, the same people and the same rides? I thought, perhaps, that dental photographs could corroborate my hypothesis but for some reason the “gentleman” operating the bumper cars took exception when I tried to photograph a close-up of his chompers. These carnival people can be quite testy.

Disney On Ice was, in a word, amazing. This was my second Disney show and it has yet to disappoint. Seriously, if you have not been, you should go. Your kids will think you’re a hero and you’ll find yourself cheering on all the famous characters who are doing stunts like back flips on ice skates and in full costume. The best part? As far as I could see, all of the performers had complete sets of teeth.

Since I’ve regaled you with my stories and rants for all these months, I thought it would be a fun experiment to turn over the Steely Dad Nation to the rightful heir, Steely Son, for his take on the carnival, the Disney On Ice show and anything else that pops into his head.

Here’s the exclusive interview:

Steely Dad: Thank you for agreeing to this interview.

Steely Son: OK

Steely Dad: So, did you like the carnival?

Steely Son: (In robot cadence) Yes-I-did-like-the-carnival.

Steely Dad:  What did you like most about the carnival?

Steely Son: Ummm, the Ferris wheel.

Steely Dad: Why?

Steely Son: Because, um (dramatic pause – unintelligible response).

Steely Dad: What?

Steely Son: (Sounding frustrated) BECAUSE, IT WENT UP AND DOWN!

Steely Dad: OK, chill dude. What other things did you like at the carnival?

Steely Son: Um, um, the MOTORCYCLES!

Steely Dad: Sweet. Anything else?

Steely Son: Um, eh, YEA! I liked the airplanes too!

Steely Dad: Nice. Anything else you want to tell us about the carnival?

Steely Son: Yea, the scary ghost ride!

Steely Dad: That wasn’t that scary.

Steely Son: Yea, it was! (Laughing)

Steely Dad: What was so scary about it?

Steely Son: Because the skeletons were popping out!

Steely Dad: Was Daddy scared?

Steely Son: Yes!

Steely Dad: No I wasn’t!

Steely Son: Yea, you were! Did you like it?

Steely Dad: Hey, I’m conducting the interview here.

Steely Son: No, I’m comucting the interview here.

Steely Dad: OK, moving on. How did you like the Disney On Ice show?

Steely Son: Good!

Steely Dad: What was your favorite part?

Steely Son: I don’t know.

Steely Dad: You did go to the show, right?

Steely Son: Yes.

Steely Dad: Then can’t you tell me your favorite part?

Steely Son: No.

Steely Dad: Why not?

Steely Son: Fine. Finding Nemo was my favorite.

Steely Dad: Hold on. I can’t type that fast.

Steely Son: FIIIINNNNDDDDING NEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOO.

Steely Dad: What else?

Steely Son: Nothing. I just liked Nemo.

Steely Dad: (Laughing)

Steely Son: What, Daddy, what?!?!

Steely Dad: OK, let’s be professional here.

Steely Son: What’s promessional here? Oy vey!

Steely Dad: So you didn’t like anything else about Disney? Come on. There must have been something else you liked.

Steely Son:  I just liked Finding Nemo.

Steely Dad: You didn’t like anything else?

Steely Son: NOTHING. I liked NOTHING else (waving his hands back and forth like an umpire signalling “Safe!”)

Steely Dad: You didn’t like Goofy?

Steely Son: Yes. I liked Goofy and Mickey Mouse.

Steely Dad: (Typing as fast as he can.)

Steely Son: Did you get that Daddy? I also liked Mickey Mouse.

Steely Dad: Hold on!

Steely Son: Daddy, what are you doing?

Steely Dad: Typing.

Steely Son: Oh, and I also liked the pirates.

Steely Dad: What pirates?

Steely Son: The Pirates ON THE Caribbean.

Steely Dad: When were those in the show?

Steely Son: When in the show? Huh? When in the show?

Steely Dad:  The pirates? When were they in the show? I don’t recall pirates.

Steely Son: Do you like them?

Steely Dad: Sure I do but I don’t remember them in the Disney On Ice show.

Steely Son: I remember.

Steely Dad: When?

Steely Son: Or maybe not.

Steely Dad: OK, final question.

Steely Son: Which final quesiton? What’s a final question?

Steely Dad: This final question. It’s the last question. OK here goes: who do you love more, Mommy or Daddy?

Steely Son: Goofy

Steely Dad: He doesn’t count. So who do you love more? Mommy or Daddy?

Steely Son: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!!!

Steely Dad: OK, that concludes our interview.

Steely Son: (Big smile) OK!

***

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE food. I mean I REALLY love food. All types of food, I love. When I’m eating lunch, I’m already planning my dinner. When it comes to food, I’m like a grandmaster chess player, figuring out three, four meals ahead. I could go on and on about how much I love food but hopefully by now you know just how much I really, really love food.

Since getting married and becoming a stay-at-home dad (SAHD), I’ve also grown an appreciation for gourmet cooking. I enjoy coming up with a new edible idea and executing it to my own exacting standards. Recently I developed a sandwich I affectionately named the M.I. Sandwich. Can you guess what the M.I. stands for? Read how I make it, have a look at the photo and then take a guess. The first person who guesses correctly will win some sort of dishonorable mention on my blog.

So here’s how to make the Steely Dad M.I. Sandwich:

1. Toast a bagel to your liking (I like it lightly toasted so it’s not too hard)
2. Fry an egg over sleazy
3. Cook at least 3 pieces of bacon. Now this is the critical part. IT MUST BE Kirkland (Costco) Premium Center Cut Maple Bacon. This is the bacon that G-d himself prepares when he has a hankering for some swine. Don’t try to substitute on this ingredient. Trust me!
4. Once the bagel is done and is still hot, add a light coating of butter to both sides of bagel so that it gets into all the nooks and crannies. Let cool a bit then add an unhealthy (heaping) portion of WHIPPED cream cheese to both sides of the bagel as well. Add the egg, add the bacon and top off with other side of bagel.
5. Voilá! Your M.I. Sandwich is now ready to be devoured.

IMPORTANT STEPS BEFORE TAKING YOUR FIRST BITE:

1. Please sign and date the attached Liability Waiver, which was prepared by Steely Dad’s Legal Counsel.
2. Ensure you have a working defibrillator on hand.
3. Mainline some Red Yeast Rice Extract or statin medication.
4. Make an appointment to see your cardiologist.

Here’s what it should look like: Steely Dad M.I. Sandwich

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I’m sure you could add your own little twists to this culinary masterpiece so feel free to share. Good luck!