I’ve completely lost all confidence in my decision-making abilities. Before being married, I was the master of my domain, making sound decisions on the fly and feeling pretty darn good about myself. I had an unusual upbringing that required me to basically raise myself so I was used to making big-time decisions on my own and from an early age. However, once I got married and started having kids, it’s as though my mind evaporated into mush and I lost the capacity for making decisions. I have to consult my wife for each and every decision, big, small, miniscule, moronic, it doesn’t matter. I can’t even so much as decide what I should make for dinner much less whether or not to re-finance the house. I even have to consult my wife about what I should wear, when I should use the bathroom and in which direction I should brush my teeth.
I’ve noticed, however, in the not-so-recent-past my wife has developed the same illness. The person who was once my advisor has been rendered incapacitated. This is due, no doubt, to my unending line of questions like, “Do I like this salad, hun?”
Enter my son.
Now whenever I need to make a decision, I consult my son (who is three years of age, by the way). It’s really a fascinating experiment. I use him like one of those Magic 8 balls where you ask a question, shake up the ball and read your fate. (Note to Child Protective Services: I don’t actually shake my son. He’s nearly 40 pounds and far too heavy for me to toss around.) For example, my wife and I have been debating whether or not we should close this bank account that has a line of credit attached to it. The line of credit has an annual fee and a pretty low interest rate but we rarely use it and we don’t know if this is a safety net that justifies the cost. On the other hand, with the economy in complete turmoil and the future so uncertain, having access to cash is a nice amenity. It’s not like banks are throwing cash around these days. The missus and I debated the pros and cons and vacillated for literally months. We were at a serious impasse. Finally, I just turned to my son and asked him what we should do. I figured he was as good an expert as any other. After all what is an expert but someone who takes your watch and tells you what time it is, right? My son the sage said we should close the account so we did and it was the best decision we’ve made all year. We’ve saved having to pay the annual fee plus we got to keep the free toaster. Win-win, baby! From this point forward, if I have a tough decision to make, I’ll consult my son. So let it be written, so let it be done.
Hmmm, I wonder how well he decides trifectas.