We’re flying today. Yup, me, Steely Wife and two Steely Kids are taking to the skies. 35,000 feet in the air, we will be propelled through time and space to reach our destination. Where are we going? Well, that’s classified.
I hate flying but for not for the reasons you might assume. In the past, I had a fear of flying but after having kids that aversion went away with free time and drunken orgies. Even with these recent crashes http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Travel/story?id=7156889&page=1 I’m not afraid of the dreaded airplane “malfunction.” Like I said, I’ve got two wives and a kid two kids and a wife and nothing can instill fear in a man more than those statistics especially when going through airport security (with car seats and strollers). It’s a pain and is much more frightening than the other scenarios that can potentially play out when flying.
But that’s not the real reason I hate to fly. I hate flying because I’m an inveterate germaphobe and what scares me more than dying in a massive ball of fire is contracting some sort of communicable and incurable illness like tuberculosis. Just the idea of sharing that stale air with total (and unhygienic strangers) causes minor panic attacks in my otherwise placid disposition. In fact, the fear is so uncontrollable that my physician has to prescribe to me “calming” medications. Those tiny pills, along with a couple of brews, make me feel like I’m flying even before the aircraft takes off and I don’t care if some fat slob is coughing all over my airline penis peanuts.
Not only that but my debonair alter ego often rears his congenial head when I’m slightly “relaxed” so I can charm any would-be terrorists into capitulating. Of course, there is another alter ego that can show up and he is not so much charming as he is brave stupid. If said terrorists don’t give up peacefully, this character is likely to take matters into his own hands because he’s not going down without a fight.
I realize you have your choice in blogs so thank you for choosing to “fly” with Steely Dad. Have a great trip.