Jobs for a Stay-at-Home Dad

by Steely Dad on February 12, 2010

The slow economy has caused a big pinch for many families. The Steely Family is no different and since one of us is a stay-at-home dad (that’s yours truly) we are dependent on one income. Not to mention, that singular income is a self-employment arrangement that doesn’t provide the same security as a regular paycheck. If we don’t work, we don’t get paid.

So I’ve been scratching the ol’ noggin lately, trying to figure out a way I can make some extra dough to help contribute to the family’s bottom line. I’m not trading in my apron; I want to supplement so that I don’t have to, don’t dare say it, get a J-O-B!

So here’s a list of jobs I’m considering, occupations I feel are a good fit for my unique qualifications.

Here we go:

10. Life Coach: I still can’t figure out what the hell a life coach is, does or who hires them but I figure I’ve been living for 38 years and doing so adequately. It seems like any moron (just check out Twitter) can do this so why not me? Qualifications: I’m already on retainer as the life coach of two little kids so I’ve got plenty of experience.

9. Consultant: What would I consult? I could take your watch and tell you what time it is. That’s gotta be worth something. Qualifications: Are there any?

8. Porn Star: The pay is not great (in fact, it might be the only occupation in which the pay scale tilts in favor of the women) and there are some serious occupational hazards to consider. Nevertheless, the benefits are pretty awesome. Qualifications: Although I can’t recall the last time it happened, I know I’ve had sex at least two times in my life. I mean, how “hard” can it be?

7. Football Color Commentator: I love watching football and have been doing so since I was five and played it from Jr. Pee Wee Pop Warner to high school when it became evident that the UCLA Bruins didn’t need a 145-pound middle linebacker. Qualifications: My wife and mom say I always make insightful comments before the commentator does so that should qualify me.

6. Professional Gambler: All I need is a bank roll. If you’re interested in getting into the “Steely Dad” business, let me know. Qualifications: I’ve been to Vegas many times and have NEVER had to visit a pawn shop.

5. Actor: Contrary to what you might be thinking, this is NOT the same thing as Job #8. This one requires actual Thespian abilities. Qualifications: I was the lead in a sixth-grade play in which I played an actor playing the role of Oedipus Rex. Let the jokes begin.

4. Lactation Consultant: I love boobs and am a HUGE proponent for breast-feeding mothers everywhere. Qualifications: I’ve been to at least 104 breast-feeding support group meetings and this was before I even had a lactating wife.

3. Professional Wrestler: I used to watch the WWF religiously until about the sixth grade. Qualifications: Do I really need any more than that and a few cycles of roids? Oh, and some stretchy pants and granny panties.

2. Oprah’s Replacement: I’ve never been a big fan. In fact, I downright despise the woman and am happy I won’t have to see her mug any longer. Qualifications: I can talk and ask questions and I can also fake-cry and pretend I’m actually interested in what bullshit is spewing from your mouth. And I can also say, “You go girl!”

1. Cult Leader: I’ve always been fascinated by cult leaders. They seem like such losers yet they get so many people to pledge their lives, fortunes and sacred honor. The hours are long but the pay is great. The only problem with this one is that you usually end up dead. Qualifications: When I had long hair, people used to call me Jesus.

Well, that’s it. Send me your leads!

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Happy Big Deuce

by Steely Dad on February 4, 2010

Two years ago today, Mommy was in the operating room and I, dressed in full operating scrubs, was sitting in a long, sterile corridor waiting for the doctor to summon me. The excitement of your arrival was a continuation from the day before, when we witnessed one of the best Super Bowls of all time, the NY Giants besting, until that point, the undefeated New England Patriots on an improbable last-minute drive. It was a harbinger of good things to come.

Although I had been guessing you were a girl from the day we found out Mommy was going to have a baby, as I waited, I had this incredibly clear vision that I was about to meet my baby princess. Suddenly, it dawned on me: what if you were a boy? And even though my gut feeling was undeniable, I had to be prepared. Of course, we could’ve abated our curiosity 20 weeks earlier at the ultrasound appointment but Mommy and Daddy wanted to torture themselves. In any case, it was well worth the wait.

Why were we in the O.R. instead of a nice, cozy birthing room? Good question. Being someone with a penchant for flair, you decided to flip yourself Week 38. Yup, you were in the homestretch and thought, I want to be sunny side up. Mommy was none too pleased.

The waiting was over. show time! I followed the doctor into the operating room where Mommy was waiting, scared to death, but patiently. Although I wanted to be “below the equator” to watch all the action, the doctors preferred I wait by Mommy’s head. Not to be deterred, I still took some peeks over the curtain.

Finally, after some manipulations and maneuvers, the doctor lifted up your tiny, beautiful body in all its glory. And although I knew it as soon as I saw you, Doctor B announced, “It’s a girl!” Involuntarily, my hands went to the top of my head and the tears flowed in a deluge of pure, overwhelming joy. I couldn’t believe I was blessed again, this time with a perfect baby girl. My princess.

So today we celebrate a truly special day, one that I will always cherish and remember for all of time. Happy birthday, Ivria Ruth, I love you forever and always.

PS Enjoy the homemade Foofa cake! Yo Gabba Gabba!

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Steely Dad Becomes a ModernMom

January 15, 2010

Let’s face it, men: the parenting blog genre is a woman’s world. Moms have been at it longer than we have so they are organized, networked and supportive of each other (for the most part). It’s that sisterhood gene we lack. So they get a lion’s share of all the groovy free products and advertising […]

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Dear Moms: Please Let Us Be Dads

January 8, 2010

Not too long ago I published a post entitled, “So You Want to be a Stay-At-Home Dad?” as a reference guide to dads who are becoming stay-at-home dads (SAHD) either by choice or by circumstance. Feel free to forward it to dads that are currently, or are becoming, SAHDs. However, in order to strike some […]

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A SAHD’s Thoughts on Tiger Woods’ Transgressions

December 4, 2009

Normally I don’t follow too much celebrity gossip but I readily admit that the recent Tiger Woods headlines have caught and sustained my attention. So long ADD! I respect Tiger Woods as an athlete. If there was one autograph I’d actually make an effort to obtain, it would be Tiger’s. As a golf enthusiast, I […]

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