Steely Dad

The slow economy has caused a big pinch for many families. The Steely Family is no different and since one of us is a stay-at-home dad (that’s yours truly) we are dependent on one income. Not to mention, that singular income is a self-employment arrangement that doesn’t provide the same security as a regular paycheck. If we don’t work, we don’t get paid.

So I’ve been scratching the ol’ noggin lately, trying to figure out a way I can make some extra dough to help contribute to the family’s bottom line. I’m not trading in my apron; I want to supplement so that I don’t have to, don’t dare say it, get a J-O-B!

So here’s a list of jobs I’m considering, occupations I feel are a good fit for my unique qualifications.

Here we go:

10. Life Coach: I still can’t figure out what the hell a life coach is, does or who hires them but I figure I’ve been living for 38 years and doing so adequately. It seems like any moron (just check out Twitter) can do this so why not me? Qualifications: I’m already on retainer as the life coach of two little kids so I’ve got plenty of experience.

9. Consultant: What would I consult? I could take your watch and tell you what time it is. That’s gotta be worth something. Qualifications: Are there any?

8. Porn Star: The pay is not great (in fact, it might be the only occupation in which the pay scale tilts in favor of the women) and there are some serious occupational hazards to consider. Nevertheless, the benefits are pretty awesome. Qualifications: Although I can’t recall the last time it happened, I know I’ve had sex at least two times in my life. I mean, how “hard” can it be?

7. Football Color Commentator: I love watching football and have been doing so since I was five and played it from Jr. Pee Wee Pop Warner to high school when it became evident that the UCLA Bruins didn’t need a 145-pound middle linebacker. Qualifications: My wife and mom say I always make insightful comments before the commentator does so that should qualify me.

6. Professional Gambler: All I need is a bank roll. If you’re interested in getting into the “Steely Dad” business, let me know. Qualifications: I’ve been to Vegas many times and have NEVER had to visit a pawn shop.

5. Actor: Contrary to what you might be thinking, this is NOT the same thing as Job #8. This one requires actual Thespian abilities. Qualifications: I was the lead in a sixth-grade play in which I played an actor playing the role of Oedipus Rex. Let the jokes begin.

4. Lactation Consultant: I love boobs and am a HUGE proponent for breast-feeding mothers everywhere. Qualifications: I’ve been to at least 104 breast-feeding support group meetings and this was before I even had a lactating wife.

3. Professional Wrestler: I used to watch the WWF religiously until about the sixth grade. Qualifications: Do I really need any more than that and a few cycles of roids? Oh, and some stretchy pants and granny panties.

2. Oprah’s Replacement: I’ve never been a big fan. In fact, I downright despise the woman and am happy I won’t have to see her mug any longer. Qualifications: I can talk and ask questions and I can also fake-cry and pretend I’m actually interested in what bullshit is spewing from your mouth. And I can also say, “You go girl!”

1. Cult Leader: I’ve always been fascinated by cult leaders. They seem like such losers yet they get so many people to pledge their lives, fortunes and sacred honor. The hours are long but the pay is great. The only problem with this one is that you usually end up dead. Qualifications: When I had long hair, people used to call me Jesus.

Well, that’s it. Send me your leads!

Two years ago today, Mommy was in the operating room and I, dressed in full operating scrubs, was sitting in a long, sterile corridor waiting for the doctor to summon me. The excitement of your arrival was a continuation from the day before, when we witnessed one of the best Super Bowls of all time, the NY Giants besting, until that point, the undefeated New England Patriots on an improbable last-minute drive. It was a harbinger of good things to come.

Although I had been guessing you were a girl from the day we found out Mommy was going to have a baby, as I waited, I had this incredibly clear vision that I was about to meet my baby princess. Suddenly, it dawned on me: what if you were a boy? And even though my gut feeling was undeniable, I had to be prepared. Of course, we could’ve abated our curiosity 20 weeks earlier at the ultrasound appointment but Mommy and Daddy wanted to torture themselves. In any case, it was well worth the wait.

Why were we in the O.R. instead of a nice, cozy birthing room? Good question. Being someone with a penchant for flair, you decided to flip yourself Week 38. Yup, you were in the homestretch and thought, I want to be sunny side up. Mommy was none too pleased.

The waiting was over. show time! I followed the doctor into the operating room where Mommy was waiting, scared to death, but patiently. Although I wanted to be “below the equator” to watch all the action, the doctors preferred I wait by Mommy’s head. Not to be deterred, I still took some peeks over the curtain.

Finally, after some manipulations and maneuvers, the doctor lifted up your tiny, beautiful body in all its glory. And although I knew it as soon as I saw you, Doctor B announced, “It’s a girl!” Involuntarily, my hands went to the top of my head and the tears flowed in a deluge of pure, overwhelming joy. I couldn’t believe I was blessed again, this time with a perfect baby girl. My princess.

So today we celebrate a truly special day, one that I will always cherish and remember for all of time. Happy birthday, Ivria Ruth, I love you forever and always.

PS Enjoy the homemade Foofa cake! Yo Gabba Gabba!

Let’s face it, men: the parenting blog genre is a woman’s world. Moms have been at it longer than we have so they are organized, networked and supportive of each other (for the most part). It’s that sisterhood gene we lack. So they get a lion’s share of all the groovy free products and advertising bucks. But we can’t complain. Just like when the ladies had to break the proverbial glass ceiling when they entered the workforce, we too must pay our dues.

But I bring good news, my brothers! An industry insider recently declared to me that 2010 will be the “Year of the Dad Blog”! There are many signs that she may be on to something.

In addition to more dad sites garnering the attention of advertisers and PR agencies, many mom sites are opening their doors to dads. It turns out that moms love to read a man’s perspective, especially when it comes from one to whom they are not married. Who knew?

And apparently the lovely ladies over at the incredibly informative website, ModernMom.com think I have what it takes to hang with the girls as they have invited me to join the ranks of their gifted and talented writers as a featured blogger.

I know what you’re asking: why Steely Dad? I am neither gifted nor talented and what I have to say barely passes as “insightful.”

Truth be told, I have no idea. Perhaps they felt pity for me; perhaps it has something to do with the assumption that as a stay-at-home dad I must be deeply in touch with my feminine side. Maybe they received some nastygram from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to add a daddy or face a Senate hearing. I haven’t a clue. The answer is unknown but to G-d and the crack staff at ModernMom and I doubt either party is gonna say much.

In any case, feel free to check out my ModernMom blog at http://www.modernmom.com/blogs/steely-dad/.

Hope to hear from you all soon!

Not too long ago I published a post entitled, “So You Want to be a Stay-At-Home Dad?” as a reference guide to dads who are becoming stay-at-home dads (SAHD) either by choice or by circumstance. Feel free to forward it to dads that are currently, or are becoming, SAHDs.

However, in order to strike some balance between the sexes, I thought I’d provide what I consider some “suggestions” to moms who encounter our unique breed: the stay-at-home dad. (The irony of my unsolicited advice is not lost on me. See rule #4.)

Although the advice is developed from my own personal experiences as a SAHD, it certainly can apply to all types of dads.

Feel free to comment and keep the conversation going:

1. Treat us like your mom pals. No, I don’t mean share feminine hygiene tips with us. I mean put us on the same level with your other mom associates. Like it or not, we’re pretty much like you. We are parents who strive to be good parents to our children. Do we goof it from time to time? Absolutely, but in all honesty, we probably don’t goof it as often as you think. Dare I say it? We probably goof it as often as you.

Parenthood is man’s glass ceiling. Be kind and remember when you had to break through yours.

2. We are not morons (at least not all the time). Contrary to the stereotypes you may see on television and in commercials, we are capable, talented and sometimes exceptional parents. Some of us can use other kitchen appliances besides the microwave. Many of us actually know that kids need to eat when they’re hungry. Others know how to put a kid in a car seat. Yes, I know it’s crazy. I’m not saying I know how to do any of these things; I’m just saying there are apparently some stay-at-home dads that do. Give us some props when we rock it.

3. Don’t judge us. Men generally parent and care for kids differently from women. A small example in my family is that my wife will not leave the house without at least three bags full of stuff to cover any possible emergency. She has tons of extra diapers, enough food for our family to survive for a week should we get stranded in our highly populated suburban neighborhood as well as small surgical instruments should they be necessary. I, on the other hand, like to travel lite, very lite. I stuff an extra diaper in my pocket and a couple of food items. (I realize this contradicts advice item #4 in my “So You Want to be a Stay-At-Home Dad” post but, hey, I’m a professional.) Just because we parent differently doesn’t mean we’re doing it incorrectly. We have a different style and approach so refrain from the judgmental looks and condescending tone. Save that junk for the other moms that don’t meet your high standards.

Men and women have strengths and weaknesses and in an ideal world, we balance each other out. Remember, just as we can learn from you, perhaps you may also learn from us.

4. Please keep your pie hole shut. We realize your infinite wisdom in all matters concerning children but please refrain from ever, and I mean EVER, offering unsolicited advice. Unless you’re REALLY hot, like purposely-get-into-a-fender-bender-just-to-talk-to-you hot, we don’t want to hear it. It’s annoying, rude and more often than not, unhelpful. We don’t want to be told that four-year-olds shouldn’t play with pyrotechnics. It’s none of your damn business.

5. Want to train something? Try a dog. Don’t act offended. You know you’ve shared conversations with your girlfriends about how your hubby’s mother didn’t train him correctly and that you’re still working on him. I’ve heard it all in the Den of Yentas. Let me set the record straight. Your hubby might not have the stones to tell you but I do. Contrary to what you’ve been told, we are incorrigible, bad-habit-loving animals that are incapable of being trained. All attempts to do so will only end up with the same disappointing results as trying to teach a pig to sing. Accept it and move on. Love us despite our manly flaws. By so doing you will find your nirvana.

Along the same line, I just read an article in some parenting rag that passes as a magazine entitled, “End the Chore Wars: A No-Nag Guide to Getting HIM to Help” (emphasis added). The article sites surveys that demonstrate a lack of enthusiasm from men when it comes to helping with family chores. In it, women share first-hand accounts of how they do all the work around the house. It implies, in not so subtle tones, that men are slobs. Let me share with you my own personal experience with cleanliness. After cleaning out the interior of our family truck (yes, Steely Wife and I share one vehicle) it was clear that the “girls” side (where my wife and daughter sit) was exceptionally more squalid than the “boys” side (where my son and I sit). And I cleaned the entire car all by myself without any assistance or direction from my wife. Woe is me! Now, how do I get Steely Wife to help ME with the chores?

Well, that’s my list, at least for now. Like my previous post for SAHDs, this is far from a complete work. Want to add to the convo? Leave a comment and share the love.

Normally I don’t follow too much celebrity gossip but I readily admit that the recent Tiger Woods headlines have caught and sustained my attention. So long ADD!

I respect Tiger Woods as an athlete. If there was one autograph I’d actually make an effort to obtain, it would be Tiger’s. As a golf enthusiast, I understand the true breadth and depth of his talent. But to marvel at Tiger’s talent is only half the story. What separates the World’s Best Golfer is his unbending work ethic. Tiger’s religious devotion to practice and training is well documented. Perhaps there are other tour players who possess more raw talent but none exist who compete with Tiger’s work regimen.

Tiger is also unique in that throughout his career he has enjoyed a high level of celebrity combined with a commensurate level of privacy. Before recent stories of infidelity, Tiger’s name was nary mentioned in tabloids. His image was squeaky clean and seemingly unimpeachable. It is this image, even more than his golfing acumen, that has afforded Tiger his life of luxury. Each year, on average, Tiger earns between $10-$12 million in golf winnings. Comparatively, he makes approximately $110 million in endorsements. Of all the incredible athletes to grace the field of play, Tiger will be the first to hit the billion dollar mark (if he hasn’t already). That’s how valuable Tiger is as a brand.

So the recent headlines are a concern for Tiger. However, in my opinion as a lowly stay-at-home dad who doesn’t have the capacity to understand the high-stakes game of athletic endorsements, it should be the least of Tiger’s concerns. Although he may lose some endorsements, they will eventually be replaced and his image and bank account healed. What may not be so easily repaired is the trust of his two little kids. I’m not sure how the man looks his kids in the eye. How does he go about repairing the relationship with his children? PR professionals and lawyers can’t help with this image crisis. Insofar as I know, press releases and spokespersons do not work all that well with kids. Winning more majors will ingratiate Tiger to golf fans but will do little in the way of rebuilding the trust his children so richly deserve. I think we as a society make the mistake of believing these kids will be fine because they live in a multi-million dollar mansion but kids are kids and they have feelings and emotions that need to be respected regardless of their lot in life.

Tiger Woods is an amazing athlete; as a daddy, he leaves much to be desired. The embarrassment and shame he has brought to his family are, on some level, irreparable. However, the cliché that men only think with their dicks and that this is typical of men is unfair to those of us who take the vow of fidelity seriously. Likewise, no self-respecting woman who married for love would want to be lumped in the “gold digger” category.  Articles on “How to Tell if Your Man is Cheating” should read “spouse,” as philandering is not the sole province of men.

But is it really all that surprising? No. What’s surprising is the time it’s taken for the veil to be lifted. I’ve followed Tiger’s career since before he became a professional and the fact that he seemed impervious to controversy for so many years only suggested that it was a matter of when not if some mud would soil his pristine image. It was difficult for me to believe that he was as saintly as his image suggested. Call me stupid but in my infinite naiveté I believe that everyone has flaws and weaknesses and it was only a matter of time before Tiger’s were revealed.

Am I disappointed? No. Why? Because unlike many, my heroes are not famous people. When I was younger, I had heroes who were athletes but they always fell short of my expectations. I learned that heroes are not superhuman; they’re people just like the rest of us but who you believe are somehow better than yourself. Eventually it occurred to me that belief in myself was the best policy. It seems to me that heroes do alright when others believe they are God; it’s when they start to believe it themselves that they fall from grace.

There has been much commented about Tiger’s right to privacy. Does Tiger have a right to privacy? Sure he does just as I have a right to all the amenities and privileges that Tiger enjoys. I’m not talking about money; I’m talking about access. Yet, even though I have a right to access and Tiger has a right to privacy, the reality is that it’s unlikely either one of us will come to enjoy these rights. You see privacy and fame come at a price. Tiger has to remember his fame affords him access to things we common folk covet, like court-side basketball tickets. With fame comes complimentary champagne, clothes and cars (and, in many cases, women). If Tiger desires privacy, then he must give up the seductive benefits of fame. I have privacy because I don’t have access; celebrities don’t have privacy because they do. Privacy and fame are valued commodities on different sides of the spectrum and unfortunately for Tiger, they are mutually exclusive. Tiger is now learning the simple truth that fame is not a resource that can be turned off when it’s inconvenient to be well known. Quite frankly it’s insulting when celebrities only pull the “privacy” card when the proverbial poop hits the fan. I’ve never seen a celebrity asking for privacy when walking down the red carpet or receiving an invitation to the White House.

To Tiger I say, you’re the best golfer in the world. Your job now is to become the best daddy. Understand that your place in golf history is secured; your place in the hearts of your children is not. You have a supposed crack team of consultants helping with your legal and public relations issues (even though I would say their advice has been bush league). These are the same individuals who remind you of your greatness, a gallery of sycophants who only tell you “yes.” But I’m here to tell you “no,” that what you’ve done to your kids is NOT cool. However, all is not lost. If you want solid advice on your paternal obligations, I have an entire database of quality men who elevate the title of “dad.” Give me a call and I’ll put you in touch.

This post is part of a Dad Bloggers Project over at Dad-Blogs.  Click on over to check out other dad’s perspectives on Tiger Woods.