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Ever watch the Discovery Channel show, I Shouldn’t Be Alive? It’s a program that reenacts real-life survival situations of average people (unlike survivor specialists Survivorman and Man v Wild). It’s compelling TV and I for one give it the Steely Dad thumbs up.
The producers of that show should do an episode on my recent survival experience.
No, I wasn’t caught in an avalanche subsisting only on pee-laden snow and no, I wasn’t stranded on the African plains surviving on elephant dung while fending off attacks from lions with a spear fashioned from the elastic band of my underwear and a filed-down button. No, my friends, this experience was much more harrowing than the aforementioned scenarios.
My survival experience involved four days of long treks, screaming kids, rude people, crappy food and massive crowds at The Happiest Place on Earth, otherwise known as Disneyland.
If you’ve ever been to Disneyland then you know precisely the survivor skills required to get out alive (and without having to file bankruptcy upon your return to civilization). One must be able to tolerate the searing pain of having countless strollers, some of them double-wides, rolled over your minimally-protected feet. One must be able to stand for long periods of time with antsy kids in lines that seem miles long. One must be able to stomach super-fried edibles without getting a violent case of the squirts that rivals Giardia. To be sure, one must be able to take being knocked and pushed around by large swarms of humanity without going postal. In addition, and this is perhaps the most crucial Disneyland survival skill, one must be able to distract the kids long enough to avoid spending huge sums of cash in the kid-appealing souvenir shops one will encounter immediately exiting each and every ride and attraction. It is the most skilled survivor who can do this without triggering an all-out flailing episode.
In addition to these skills, my personal experience in Disneyland required a skill, nay, an adaptation that most Steely Dad readers will find they already possess. For me, a supremely brave man who has always stared death and danger directly in the eye, I have to enter into an ecstatic trance in order to get my butt on…roller coasters. Anyone who knows me knows this about me. Roller coasters are my kryptonite, my Achilles Heel, my sole lapse in an otherwise armor-like aura. My phobia of roller coasters is the culmination of two traumatic events in my life. The first I attribute to a prenatal trauma when “Mom the Daredevil” went on a ride during my fragile gestational period that resulted in my mom hurling chunks. This incident occurred during the 70s, before they had signs warning pregnant women that going on coasters was a stupid idea. In fact, my mom’s experience set a precedent requiring all amusement parks to post the pregnant woman warning signs. The other trauma happened when my parents took me to a local fair run by a family of gypsies. You know the type where the operator of the ride has a patch over one eye and lacks any evidence that his mouth once housed teeth. Well, the ride I was on broke down and it caused a minor panic in the parents and a major one in me.
I could go on describing the depth of my phobia but it would require time better spent on other endeavors, like wrapping up this blog post. The point is, I’m deathly afraid of roller coasters. However, my three-year-old son (as well as my one-year-old daughter, who went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride) LOVES roller coasters. Ever since I took him on this wimpy ride at Legoland when he was two, he has been addicted to rides. Well, I must say that after four days at Disneyland not only was I able to control my fear of Disney’s relatively tame coasters I actually began to enjoy them. With Steely Son, we hit up Thunder Mountain (his personal favorite) about 20 times, Space Mountain four times and a few rides on the famous Matterhorn. So how’d I do it? How did I adopt this unique survival skill? Bottom line: I had to Dad up and be there for my boy. That’s what dads do.
Am I ready for the panic-inducing rides at places like Six Flags? Not a chance. What will I do when he’s ready for those rides? I’ll do what any other courageous dad would do: have his mommy take him.
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Steely Dad
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Yea, we have SeaWorld, the Zoo and Legoland so I hear ya. But those tourists keep a lot of people working so thank goodness for dudes in shorts, black dress socks, palid legs and tropical shirts!
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Otter
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I have been on 1 or 2 roller coasters in my life. I don't like them either. My wife loves them. I see a future her and my son riding them with me sitting on a bench with all the moms holding purses. I am such a wimp.
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Shane
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No I shouldn't be alive B/C I live in Orlando the land of Disney World and I have to deal with tourists who sadly for some reason always stop on I-4 because they don't know what exit to take. LOL
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steelydad
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I'm the same way, Otter. Back in high school a group of "friends" thought it would be funny to force me on a roller coaster at Knott's Berry Farm. I could see some of the girls actually felt sorry for me. But I went on the ride and was having so much fun that I was laughing and the gum I was chewing flew out of my mouth (when we were upside down) and into my friend's hair. She was pretty understanding.
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Ruth Walden-Turek
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Sorry steelydad, I have no such sympothy….I LOVE the coasters, and don't understand why you don't. I got all of my kids "into" them when they were young. I say, try, try, try again…and hopefully you'll finally like them. Do it for your kids…..they need you!!
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Steely Dad
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Ruth, like I said in the post, I'll go on the Disney rides but after that those kids are on their own. I'd rather take a bullet for them than have to go on a frightening coaster. You have no idea how much I hate those rides. They freak me out. It's like trying to put a cat in water. I've tried to like them. In fact, I wish I did because they look fun but I simply can't go on them. If someone put a gun to my head, I'd tell them to pull the trigger.
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Mom in High Heels
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LOL! I love roller coasters. Unfortunately, as I get older (just typing that makes me feel OLD) they do not like me back. I used to love the Batman ride at Six Flags Great America, but I rode it at Six Flags STL 2 years ago and was sick for about an hour. It was horrible. Horrible. Stupid aging.
For Indy's 5th birthday we went to Disney World (the one in FL) for 10 days. Yes, you read that right, 10 days. We stayed at one of their hotels (there's no other way to do Disney) and had to be happy and have fun for 10 days. After about day 6 I was ready to leave. I was just tired of being happy all the freaking time. It's hard NOT to be happy in WDW. I think they pipe in some sort of happy gas along with that music. It's weird. I personally thing I deserve a medal for that one. We went to DL Paris over Thanksgiving 08 (you can read all the goodness on my blog-totally worth the read) and only stayed 3 days. Perfect. My mom and step-dad are taking me and Indy to WDW again when we visit the States in June. It's for 5 days. I think I'll be fine. I can have alcohol with my meals and go suck up the happy gas. Wheeeeee!
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Steely Dad
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Ladies and gentlemen of the Steely Dad Nation, I hereby salute with honors and distinction our newest member, Mom In High Heels. She is being awarded the Steely Dad Medal of Honor for, beyond a doubt, she is the most insane mother in the world. MIHH has rightfully earned this award for her brave service to the Steely Dad Nation during a 10-day deployment to Disneyworld. Battle-weary after SIX days, she persevered and decided to stay an additional FOUR days. The last leg of her tour would constitute a prolonged excursion for any soldier-parent, but not MIHH. She kept on keeping on. So, when you’re ready to complain about your trip, think of MIHH at Disney for 10 DAYS and then kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP! It is with great pride that I salute you, MIHH, and bestow upon you the Steely Dad Medal of honor. You are so deserving.
BTW…better check to see if WDW sells booze. Disneyland (as far as I know) does not. You have to go over to California Adventure if you want to get wasted!
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Steely Dad
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What can I say, MIHH, you deserve it! I don’t think Walt himself ever spent 10 days in either park. I recall a quote from him when he was asked how he was enjoying his time at Disneyland after a three-day trip and he replied, “Get me the fuck out of the kooky place.” That’s Walt for ya! I’m pleased to hear you can buy booze at WDW. That is crucial! Keep up the great comments!
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Mom in High Heels
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Well, I don't know what to say. I'm honored. I'll wear my medal with honor. M will be jealous of course, but he's gotten enough medals from that place he works (you know, the Army), so he can just suck it.
I should say that he was there for the entire 10 days, but I planned the entire thing so I deserve it. Have you ever tried to make dinner reservations at Disney? For 10 bloody days? I had to redo our schedule (we don't park hop) like 10 times because we couldn't get the restaurants we wanted on certain days. I spent 2 hours on the phone just making meal reservations.
Believe me, you can get alcohol in WDW (I say this from experience). You can even add a wine option to your meal package now. See, even the Disney people understand the need for alcohol amidst such frivolity! If you need something stronger, I have two words for you: Pleasure Island.
Again, I appreciate the MoH and will wear it with pride. I survived!
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dead beat daddy-o
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Damn. I'm going to Disney World in July which will be preceded by a road trip from Austin to Orlando with a two and six year old (this will be a survival feat of its own . . . should I survive). Would the wife just divorce me or kill me if I back out now?
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dead beat daddy-o
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Damn. I’m going to Disney World in July which will be preceded by a road trip from Austin to Orlando with a two and six year old (this will be a survival feat of its own . . . should I survive). Would the wife just divorce me or kill me if I back out now?
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steelydad
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Get out now while you still have a fighting chance! In all seriousness, it was a GREAT trip. In fact just today one of our friends who joined us at Disneyland (they also have two kids the same ages as mine) sent us a heap of photos from our adventures. Even though the trip was only a couple of months ago, it still brought back so many awesome memories. So embrace the chaos and enjoy!
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steelydad
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Get out now while you still have a fighting chance! In all seriousness, it was a GREAT trip. In fact just today one of our friends who joined us at Disneyland (they also have two kids the same ages as mine) sent us a heap of photos from our adventures. Even though the trip was only a couple of months ago, it still brought back so many awesome memories. So embrace the chaos and enjoy!